How to Own Your Confidence with Life Coach Jess McKinley Uyeno

This Transcript is Autogenerated:

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  0:00  
For myself confident thoughts in my brain are deep identity thoughts of like, I'm a person who can figure things out. I am someone who has value to offer the world. It's like this belief that like, Oh, when I speak, it's gonna be great. It's a decision that we make about the future. With no evidence. It's kind of like who, who gave you the right? Nobody, you have to decide to be self confident.

Kristi Wagner  0:30  
Welcome to the other three years, a show for anyone who has an Olympic sized dream, they want to turn into a reality. Hi, and welcome to this week's episode of the other three years podcast. This is a super fun episode, which I think I say every week, but it's true every week. So it's fine, because it's true every week. But this week is a collab with another bright sided podcast, Jessica McKinley is sincerely future you is the longest running right sided podcast, which is pretty amazing. So I got to chat with Jessica, and she's so cool. She's a life coach. And she coaches female entrepreneurs, that's a hard word for me to say, primarily, and helps them in her words, reverse engineer their life and accomplish their big dreams, which is amazing and iconic. And she just like came out with a bang. I mean, you guys are gonna hear it soon. But I was like, Whoa, you are so cool. I have a friend crush on you, I would like you to help me reverse engineer my life and accomplish my big dreams. So I hope that all of you feel that way through listening to her. But we talked about confidence and really interesting, she explained like the difference between being self confident, and just being kind of baseline confident and how she's found that like self confidence in her own life. And our conversation kind of ebbed and flowed. But really just like big goals, how to accomplish them how to sort of grapple with wanting to have a big life and what that looks like and how you navigate that in like your life experience, she definitely pushed me to explore some of my own thoughts and feelings, which I really appreciate and like push me out of my comfort zone a little bit. It was just really great to talk to her. And I think it's gonna be a really fun episode for everyone to listen to you later on the rowing conversation, which I think is actually good for the podcast, but still like a lot of rowing and Olympics themes and all of that. I'm just really excited to have everyone listen to her. And I bet a lot of people are gonna try to check out her podcast, which is again called sincerely future you so and also on the bright side of network. But before we get into that, here is an update on what's currently going on in my training. So I'd say we are in early winter, in Saratoga, it's post daylight savings. It's pretty cold, the leaves are not really on the trees anymore. It snowed a little bit yesterday, like we're getting ready for the holiday season. It's just not quite here yet. So our rows have been a bit chilly. It's definitely cold out. And we're kind of at the boathouse in like winterization mode where the kids, the juniors are going into indoor training. We're still outside, we're close to Thanksgiving, which is like, the ball is rolling towards holidays. But we're not quite there yet. But I think it's times like this are kind of nice for training because there's sort of a built in break close spies in your mind mentally you're like, Okay, I can get to the next sort of break point. And I think that kind of from like head of the fish, which was the end of whatever racing season to Thanksgiving, like three and a half weeks, and I feel like so far I probably halfway through that. And so far, I've had a lot of really good training. And, you know, there's really no reason I can't just keep that ball rolling. So I feel like the body of work that I'm putting together right now is like really good. And I think last week I had just like a very wasn't like anything was crazy, but like just a really solid week of training, which just feels really good. Like I'm at full volume. I'm feeling really good about things I'm performing well going faster every week. So I think that it just feels nice to be doing the right things and it definitely doesn't feel super sustainable. Like I can't be doing this forever. Last week I was dog tired. So tired the end of the week, I was like I am exhausted. But I feel gratification and like satisfaction from knowing that I'm doing the right things. At this point of the year, we have a 6k test. Well, some of my teammates are going to race in Princeton this upcoming weekend, I am not going. So I am doing a 6k ERG test on Saturday, which is exciting. I actually, it's really crazy, but I actually really like ERG tests now. I mean, they're, they're scary, but they're just like, an opportunity to try to achieve something that you haven't achieved before. And I think that's cool. I also have, you know, some Ergun goals I want to accomplish, and hopefully I don't have that many more tests in my future. So sort of a now or never moment. And I think it'll just be fun. Like, we've been doing some two by six K's on Wednesday afternoons at lower rates, and then this test will be open rate. So I'm excited to just kind of like put the pieces together and see what I can do with an open rate piece. And yeah, then next week is Thanksgiving, which feels crazy, like how was it already Thanksgiving, but it is outside of rowing, everything's been pretty good. Feel like I've been having a good time, we had an Orion team meeting to talk about our feelings on Saturday, which was good. And I think it's a good reminder in life to like, not only talk about your own feelings, but listen to other people talk about their feelings. I think in life, I sort of assumed sometimes that everybody thinks the way that I think which I know sounds like ridiculous. But obviously everybody doesn't think the same way. And I really appreciate the like vulnerability of others to share sort of what are like pressure points for them, or what makes them stressed or what makes them happy, or, you know, whatever. And I think especially in like a team environment, it's just really nice to know what other people's goals are, but more like how they feel about how they're going to achieve those goals, or how, as teammates, we can best support each other, like, towards those goals. Orion has, we've sort of come to have these like pillars of gratitude and vulnerability, which I think I'm really proud of Kat for realizing that we are all young women who have feelings, and that he has to like recognize those feelings, and then try to help us craft those into these ideas of gratitude and vulnerability. Instead of just sort of, okay, but your athletes, we're just going to push aside all the feelings and emotions sort of embracing it instead of trying to just stop it out. And then I just appreciate that my teammates open themselves up to those things. And yeah, it's, it's nice, I think that it's been a big change for me to talk about my feelings and a group of people. Because only recently I started talking about my feelings privately. But it's, it's been good, it's time for my conversation with Jessica. And I think that you guys are all just gonna like it so much, and hopefully really feel inspired to chase your own dreams and, you know, go after things that maybe you didn't think you could go after. So here we go. I'm

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  8:36  
Jess, life and business coach, what I share in common with you is that I am always in pursuit of excellence in something, right, just like that is the thing that makes it all worth it. Right? When you have a specific goal by when I feel

Kristi Wagner  8:55  
like I have just done one thing for a really long time. And people seem to find it impressive, because it like it has a flashy title. But it's so funny because really, the essence of the podcast, right, is that it's an unglamorous way towards a glamorous sort of goal. You know, I totally, but it's so funny when I like talk to someone like you. I'm like, no, what you're, that's amazing. I wish that I could constantly have goals and be doing all this cool stuff. But instead I just have one goal. I'm super excited to be having conversation with you and I have listened to a few of your episodes. How did you get into being a life coach?

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  9:39  
I think that the it's so funny. I was talking to my mom about this the other day because on my show, I'm about to record a podcast of like this Rob conversation with my family talking about what it was like for them when I told them like listen, I'm going all in on being a life coach and they were like Like, this is made up what is a life coach. And it's, it's funny because even I had a similar reaction to it, I think the industry of life coaching is still fairly new. And it's such an umbrella term for a lot of different types of ways to work with someone. And for me, what my experience was how I kind of fell into it was that I was a fitness coach. And I was also writing a book on happiness experiments. And I had a blog that was putting out these happiness experiments. And at the same time, I was motivating people to hit their goals in their health and fitness. And I think people were a little bit confused. They were like, What do you charge for your life coaching? I'm so motivated by your social media. And I was like, what is the life coach? I also didn't really know what it was. And so finally, I think it was about the third or fourth person that asked me that. I just Googled it. I was like, what is the life coach? What is the life coach charge? And I was like, Cool. Yeah. So what I talked to the girl, obviously, about her goals and what it was that she was looking for. And I was like, that's absolutely what I do. I just am not getting paid for it. And turns out, I said, okay, cool. She's like, send me your contract. I'm like, looking to switch from a therapist or life coach, and I was like, okay, great, wrote up a contract and 24 hours, the next day talking to a different friend being like, hey, yeah, she's like, catching up. What are you up to? I was like, I am actually life coaching now. And she was like, that's amazing. That's so funny. I was thinking about switching from a therapist or life coach, can you send me your contract, and I was like, I can. And I sent her over my contract. And that girl booked and the first girl that prompted me to officially decide to be a life coach didn't end up signing on. And it just goes to show you need to treat your business like a business before it's a business. But yeah, I think that, you know, now it's been what that was 2015 I believe. So I think eight years ago, since then, I have worked with different niches. And now I'm coaching women, entrepreneurs, and I have gotten certified. And I've just worked with hundreds of people and kind of figured out a way to help people reverse engineer their goals, if someone is exciting, and they're like, I have this cool goal, like I want to be an Olympian, I'd be like, yes, sign me up, I want to be a part of this girl's journey. And that has been cool. And it's led me to meet some really incredibly inspiring women that are just doing things that you don't see your average everyday person doing.

Kristi Wagner  12:53  
That's really cool. If I'm being honest, I didn't super know what a life coach was. And I think that it's one of those things that we should have workshopped the name. Totally, just as a, as a as,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  13:08  
right. In the beginning, I used to have a lot of like, thoughts and caveats about it. And that would leak into my marketing. And it was very confusing, right? Like, I was confused. So I would explain a lot and I would come across confused. Now I just love it. I'm like, people are like, hey, what do you do? I'm like, I'm a life coach. And I let it hang there. Because I am just so clear and confident in what that means to me. Usually people are like, oh, like, what is that? And I'm like, well, and usually depending on the questions that I'm asking them, the answer is a little bit different. Because to be truthful, it's not. It's everybody that I work with has completely different goals. And that's okay, we can focus on relationships and on you know, your positive self talk and on your relationship with money, or we can talk about your relationship with time, and goal setting or reverse engineering it. And now that I'm working with, like, just my essential offer as a life coach is hey, I want to work with ambitious, smart, badass women who want to live a big life and do things that they don't see out there in the world. And those people find me and we just take a take a journey together. So I am allowing it to be vague. Now once you really get competency you understand that this this works. There is more science to it than just someone giving you advice. I actually don't give my clients that much advice. Really. I just show them their own thoughts and how they're getting in the way of achieving their own goals.

Kristi Wagner  14:53  
I just am so impressed with like, your confidence. And you're like yeah, I just have a lot of confidence in What I do, and so I can talk about it really confidently, which is amazing. But like, how do you feel like you got there? Because I feel like it's one thing to, I don't know, people tell me all the time that I'm confident. And I'm like, that's funny. I don't think I am that confident. But it's funny that you're telling me that I'm caught. Do you know? I

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  15:20  
mean, right. Like the perception, I think that we might be even talking about two different things. There's self confidence, and then there's confidence. So confidence is a skill that you develop from practice, right? It's probably the thing that you have, like, you're like, Okay, I have confidence in my skill and my ability of the field that you're in, right? In the Olympics, you're like, I know, because I put in the reps, I just keep doing it time after time. And I have proven to myself that I can be successful, and your brain has evidence and has a proven track record of your own growth of what's possible for you. And then you can take that compound it and see how you could be successful in the future, like action and more practice begets confidence. Now, self confidence, is I think, what you're referring to right now, which is this belief in a future and a possibility, with zero evidence that it's possible. It's just like, Yes, that's what I'm doing. If you were to say like, oh, I have the speaking opportunity Friday, do you want to do it? And I'd be like, Yeah, let's go. Because my self confident thoughts in my brain are deep identity, thoughts of like, I'm a person who can figure things out. I am someone who has value to offer the world. It's like this belief that like, Oh, when I speak, it's going to be great. It's a decision that we make about the future, with no evidence. It's kind of like who, who gave you the right? Nobody, you have to decide to be self confident, it's a decision. And I think for my clients, right, we talk about one of the main skills that helps people have success in the future, is becoming an advanced decision maker, where you're just making decisions about your future, instead of looking for evidence to decide if you can or cannot do something. I

Kristi Wagner  17:27  
mean, I feel like that's probably much easier said than done. But it's,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  17:32  
yeah, it's also something you gotta practice, right. But I think what's cool is that, if you've done it in the you have, I'm sure done it in some area of your life already. Can you think of an example in your own life where you really had no reasonably if you could do something, but you just went after it anyway?

Kristi Wagner  17:51  
Um, yes, going to an Ivy League school, who I love, that is a great example. But I also think that, I don't know, I feel like then there's also a line between, like, confidence and like cockiness. And I think that in, and this could also be like, a sort of sport specific thing. But I think that sometimes you see people that get too confident to what I would call cocky, which also was probably not a great word to be using, but like, No, I think like,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  18:26  
I think we know what you're talking about. Right? Like, and

Kristi Wagner  18:29  
yeah, and then you stop working hard. Like, I think that the thing about confidence and sort of believing in a reality that has yet to come is also understanding that just thinking oh, would be great, if this happens, isn't going to make it happen. Totally like, and I think that just finding that line is like sort of what the important thing is, yeah, being able to think I can achieve something that I've yet to achieve and I have the confidence in myself to go after that goal is great as long as you then back it up with you know, the work that it's going to take like my I have a super judgy pet peeve but people will like sort of what's a really PC to a to say this not at the level yet. Elite rowers will like write on their Instagram bio a Olympic hopeful and I'm like yes, you are an Olympic hopeful but you're like doing this for clickbait you know like you're saying something and you're using this term of like Olympic whatever to I don't know quote unquote, impress people maybe or like I'm not really

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  19:46  
sure interesting conversation. I mean, I do think that there is a clear delineation between self confident and arrogant and I think one of the main areas one of the main yeah cocky, arrogant same thing though. And one of the one of the main delineations I make Is that arrogance and cockiness a little bit has to do with your belief that you are better than other people. Versus self confidence really just has nothing to do with anyone else but yourself. And it's like, oh, I'm the best. And we're all capable of being the best. It's it's this general pursuit of excellence against yourself. And of course, right. And especially in terms of something like the Olympics, like, there is a team, you're either going to make it or you're not. So there is obviously that line of comparing yourself and but it's not really comparing yourself to others, right? It's comparing your time to the time that's needed for you. And using the language to help yourself stay in your lane is so key when you get to those like high high levels, because otherwise, it's really easy to put yourself down. So the Olympic hopeful thing, it's like, I'd be like, Oh, it's so interesting to me. Because there's in life coaching, like I said, it's unregulated. So people can say whatever they want about themselves, who could have like, Oh, I'm certified XYZ, and there are certifications and life coaching, that costs like $50. And literally, you take like a 10 question quiz. And you're, you can be like, stamp, I'm certified. And the certification program that I went through, was a year long, and it was $18,000. It was like college. I mean, I had to go through tests, I failed, I had to have real clients and real feedback. And that's not even necessary. I actually had lots of clients before that. But the point is, is that like I see other people out there saying their life coach, and because I'm just really not concerned about their like, how they're describing themselves. I'm like, the results will show at the end.

Kristi Wagner  21:59  
Oh, person 100%. Yeah. And I think, at the end of the day, like focusing so much on what other people are doing is obviously not, I'd be like help

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  22:11  
for us. Everyone put a Olympic hopeful if you want to be hopeful, even if you never make it, I just think it's so cool to like, like you said, like have that put the eye on the prize, have a prize. But at the end of the day, there's so many people that are telling me to like, I want to be a million dollar earner. And I look at the work that some people are putting in and I'm like, I just don't believe you.

Kristi Wagner  22:33  
That's the thing. I think that it's really interesting, because people say like, this is my goal, or this is what I want to do, or you know, whatever. And it's funny, because I think for me, it was really hard to say, I want to go to the lab. Why like, I think because I just didn't see myself there. To me, it was this thing that other people could accomplish. But I wasn't at that level. So

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  23:03  
you're afraid if you said it, then what? That I would fail. And then what? I don't know,

Kristi Wagner  23:08  
it wasn't so much that I couldn't say it. I just couldn't like see it. You know how you're saying, like, you construct, like, literally the first time I met with my sports Psych. I go in his office, and he's like, All right, let's close our eyes. I'm like, oh, no, I'm, this is bad for me. No, I actually. No, actually, I like love him. And I, I had to call them today. But and this was many years ago. So we close our eyes. And he's like, Okay, I want you to envision yourself at the Olympics on the podium. Like they're playing the national anthem, and you just won a gold medal. And I started laughing. I'm like, Dude, I can't, I can't I could envision I could see the scene. And I could see other people there. But I can't envision I couldn't at the time, envision me being there. In that way you can. Now I can. But I also understand the work that it's going to take to get there. I don't just think Oh, that'd be cool. Yeah, that that sounds fun. Whatever. I'm like, No, I 100% understand the commitment, the work, the lifestyle, the everything that it's going to take to achieve that. And I think for me, it's interesting, because my coach a month or two ago was like, You know what's weird in life, we spend a lot of time constructing in our minds like worst case scenarios, like we imagine bad scenarios. And then as soon as we sort of daydream and imagine good scenarios, we try to like stop ourselves from thinking that he's like, but why can't we Daydream good scenarios like that

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  24:54  
and that we should allow ourselves that was why I kept asking you and why and what then And you didn't answer the last one because usually the answer to that last question of like, and then if you fail, then what? The answer to that question is why we don't know why we don't daydream about the positive. It's because of some thing that if we say it out loud, it'll actually probably sounds stupid. But in our head, it's feels really real, which is either some version of if I say it out loud, and then I fail, everyone will see me as a failure versus if I don't say it out loud. And I'm failing only I will see me as a failure. And that won't be as bad.

Kristi Wagner  25:38  
No, I mean, I think 100% I think that it's scary, especially like, now. And as an athlete, when I fail, it's very evident. It's posted on the internet. Yeah. Like, if I have a bad day at work. Everyone knows. It's not like just my boss knew that I messed up. And I could go and have a quick bath and cry. And nobody knows. Like, no, no. Everyone knows. And there's articles about it. And people that I don't know, talk about early and can judge I'm not saying that they are, maybe they're not, I don't know, but like, but they can. And yes, and other people can tell me, either that they think I did a good job or that they think like, I've chosen a path that puts my work, quote, unquote, and like my success or my achievement on just a platter for anyone to pick up and talk about for discussion and so up for discussion. And so like, we whatever, we have the big race in the fall, the head of the Charles, like,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  26:46  
I went to college at Boston sun and all of it that raised the head of the Charles. I mean,

Kristi Wagner  26:51  
I didn't do horribly, but I did not do well. Plenty of people are like, Yes, you did. And I'm like, Whoa, I don't need you to tell me. I know, I know that I didn't do a good job. I didn't just say that. I didn't do a good job, because I wanted you to make me feel better. I don't need to feel better, I'm fine. But it's also not my job to make you feel. You know what I mean? Like

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  27:16  
I think this is this is so important. And I think it's gonna be even more important as you get closer to the Olympics, because we need to go all the way to the place where we are like, What is my relationship with other people thinking and feeling and talking about me? And I feel like what most people who've never worked with a life coach, think about this as like, Oh, my options are to just like completely ignore it. And like put up my defenses and whatever just like minor lol I can't hear you. Or I need to like toxic positivity it and be like, I know it's okay, I'll do better next time bla bla bla, or I can be a bitch. Like, those are my three options, right? And there is a fourth option and that option to me. So I used to be a singer. So I know a little bit about what you're talking about, like I would do either a competition I was an acapella singer, but I was in do you know that show? The Sing Off are the group Pentatonix? Yes, yes. The show that made Pentatonix famous, it was the called the Sing Off. And that same year, my group was like in the running, they took 16 groups, we were in the top 20 We didn't end up making it on the show, right? But like the acapella community is pretty small space. I knew all the people, right? It was like, There were articles, totally their articles, you could YouTube by name, and there's going to be like some sort of like, horrible like video in the mix, right? And now as a business owner, I realized that I need to get my mind right, if regularly I need to self motivate, because it's not just related to my self esteem. It's related to my money, my clients results, right? Because like, if my mind is not right, it's difficult for me to do my job, right. It's like related to everything. And the fourth option, when other people when you're you're up for discussion, if we're going to use that term, is to make room for people to be confused. And that is like the most neutral and healing way that I've found to approach it. It's like, hey, for example, I sent out an email this morning to my subscribers. And I chose to share something that had a curse in it, right like the F bomb, right? I was like, do I change it to freakin but I was like, it's just not as funny as like, This is who I am like, I'm irreverent. I think that it'll land better. It was like a tough love moment. And I posted it and I had more More unsubscribers than I've ever had, right? And my brain immediately like ours always do when there's any sort of negative circumstances on the outside wants to go like, Oh my God, you should have done it differently or like, this is just like so bad. What are they thinking and like your brain gives you all exams of what they might have been thinking before they clicked the unsubscribe button, versus me deciding always in any situation to have my back and be like, there's going to be failures along the way. And also, I am so okay with other people being confused about me. And I'm just wondering, like, if along your journey, if you have examples of a thought that you think other people are having about you, when you have a day, like a time like you had at the head of the Charles, like, what is the thought that you think that people are having?

Kristi Wagner  30:52  
I don't know if people are like, judging as much as like, I mean, I think that I am one of my heart. I am probably my harshest critic I use there. I think it's more that people don't have all the background info, like I agree with you totally. You like,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  31:10  
yeah, people don't have background info. And yeah,

Kristi Wagner  31:14  
who cares what people are thinking. But it's more that it's not the no name people that I really care about. It's more like my sort of friends or family or whatever. One

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  31:26  
example of a specific person and a specific thought, because if you don't give me an example, this, this is not going to, it's not going to work. I won't land.

Kristi Wagner  31:34  
I feel like Christine talked to me about the head of the house, and was like You did great. And I was like, No, I didn't, which is not like she did nothing wrong. She was very nice in what she said. And she probably did think I did great. But it's also like, okay for me to be like, No, I didn't. Do you know what? Hey, like, yes, well, far. Okay. Like she didn't do anything wrong to her. I probably didn't do such an

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  31:59  
interesting example. Right. So in this case, actually, for your pursuit of excellence, your thought is that people are going to be confused about the fact that I have done well, when this is not the standard that I have for myself. And they don't know the background, maybe of like what you've deemed to be good or not. And is that okay? Is that not problem like for just recently, I had someone kind of make an offhand comment about like, oh, like, you know, about my life being really Charmed, which it is, it is really Charmed, right. But they do not have the background story to know that I was once a single mom that had no money in my bank account. And now that's just not my reality. So they see my current reality, they don't have the background, but I no longer feel the need to help unconfuse everyone, because I'm okay with making room for everyone to be confused. Because the eye is on the prize, right? Like, feel Olympics, they're there. I know, along the way, I'm gonna be too big, to be able to have the conversation with everyone who's confused. And you're gonna be at that point where there's gonna be so many eyeballs on your times, that some people are like, Oh, this girl like, and they're gonna have thoughts, and they're gonna be so confused. And you get to be like, that's part of playing big. Yeah,

Kristi Wagner  33:29  
is making room for it. Yeah, I think you're right. And I think that it's like, in any arena of life or whatever, you have no idea what somebody else's like, quote, unquote, game plan is like, we all sort of lightly judge I don't know, like others, right? Because we're obviously doing like what we think is best. And so you know, whatever, if other people aren't doing that same thing. Or like living their life that way, it's sort of I'm doing this because I think this is best, obviously, they're also obviously doing what they think is best.

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  34:06  
Right? It's like, for example, if you're ever having a conversation with someone who just isn't interested in a big life, it can be just so jarring. Like, sometimes when I talk about in life coaching, like one of the principles that I teach is that you can't escape the emotional 5050 That essentially the human experience, you will always experience 50% positive emotion and 50% negative emotion. So then people usually follow it up with well, if that's true, then what's the point? Like? What's the point in trying to do better like trying to like achieve these goals? If you're saying, when I get to my goal of making 100k Or like when you get to the goal of being an Olympian, like a metal Olympian, you're not going to feel better, like what is the point and what I say is that the 55th De Waal it is that ratio, the flavors of what's in the negative and what's in the positive are very different depending on if you're pursuing a big life, or if you prefer, like a comfy cozy life. And to me, like a comfy cozy life looks like you're choosing all of the positive emotions on the front end, and reaping the negative emotions. So it's like you choose instant gratification, ease, comfort, you know, pleasure. And then on the back end, you are experiencing slow to no growth, maybe some regret, maybe some shame, you know, the results that are not high level, right. And then the flip side of pursuing a big life looks like you choosing the negative emotion actually, first. So you're in training, you're choosing challenge and struggle and sacrifice and, you know, fear and judgment, instead of your choosing, like to put yourself in all of those so that you can reap the rewards of the positive emotions that are like pride and deep meaning and purpose and true joy and those types of positive emotions. To me, that's the coin that I choose any day. But there isn't a wrong answer. Like it's still all 5050 It's just the human experience.

Kristi Wagner  36:25  
Yeah. And I also think that like, I mean, it's so hard to explain to people that you will be all like, I tried to equate it to whatever turning 21 I'm like, you turned 21, you play it up in your brain, like, it's gonna be this big day, or 18, or whatever it is, then it happens. And you're like, I'm still the same. But now, I can legally drink alcohol or, you know, whatever, I can vote. And I feel like it was the same thing. Obviously, few things change, but overall, your baseline the same person, like, if you have a really big goal, and you accomplish it, I think I thought my life was gonna change. And it just did, I thought, like, when

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  37:05  
I hit multiple, six figures, that I was going to emotionally kind of feel like, I made it life is easy, all confidence, always. My clients just love me. And just like, everything is easier, and whatever. And problems are forever the emotional 5050 is still there, right? You get to that goal. And then your thoughts are okay, well, I mean, I don't know what your thoughts are, right. But you're still going to have human thoughts that create the same thing of challenge and struggle and sacrifice and disappointment and fear and worry, and all of those things still get there. So if that's going to be the case, it really gets back to that cliche of like, is about the journey. And to me, the point is to evolve as a human, like my show, my podcast is about becoming the future version of yourself. It's called sincerely future you and it's like, who am I becoming? And in the process of that, you're just blowing your mind, you're like, wow, I just did something that I didn't think was possible. I just developed a habit that I never thought I could have. And that is the point. So even whether you get the goal, or you, you know, are on the podium or not. Pursuing the big thing is the value.

Kristi Wagner  38:31  
When I made the Olympic team in 2021, I feel like a lot of people were like, Oh, well, it was worth it. The training was worth it. It was all worth it. And in a lot of ways, yeah, they were right. Like, I achieved a goal that I had set for myself, which is very exciting. But at the same time, like, I think it would have been worth it no matter what, like I've learned a lot about myself. I've lived a life that not a lot of like my 20s was insane in every aspect of the world. Like I've gotten to travel and do things. And I've learned how to have no money. And like, I've worked unglamorous jobs I you know, I don't know, there's like a lot of things that I'm very grateful to have had to experience. And but to bring it back. I think a lot of people are like, well, what if you don't achieve this goal? Or like, would it not be worth it? Well, the flip side is not even trying. That's why that's so much worse. And I think that's just you're either a person that thinks that's worse, or, and that I think is the like, either you're a comfort creature or you're a big lead and it's so funny because I feel like I have described myself as like wanting a big life. And people are like, what does that mean? And I'm like, I don't know. Maybe you want to know,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  39:55  
right? Like it changes and it morphs probably with means and like totally like mine has over time. At one point, having a big life to me meant living in Spain and Peru and speaking fluent Spanish and learning that and traveling and being a singer, and just like not having a desk job. And then my big life meant becoming a mom and having another greater purpose outside of it, then it became changing the community the impact, but like, to me anything that felt like I was pursuing something with no evidence to support that I could do it. That lights you the freak up, right. I mean, yeah, and I love what you said that the what people will say is like, All right, well, the alternative to going all in and failing, is actually choosing to fail in advance by not pursuing it

Kristi Wagner  40:52  
at all. Yes, again,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  40:54  
you don't have the thing.

Kristi Wagner  40:58  
Exactly. I'm like, and it's fine. Like, that's just a decision, which is totally fine. You know, but like, it's

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  41:06  
fine for them. But it's not fine for that wants a big life. And I think that that is something we need to say it out loud, because the daydreaming when you ask like why? Why are people not wanting to daydream about the positive things, it's that exact thing because they're scared if they daydream, and they think about it, and they admit to themselves that they want it. And then they don't get it, they're gonna feel pain. And the truth is, they are, because that is the 5050 version. Also, that's the price you pay for experiencing the incredible emotion that it is to visualize yourself on the podium, because I get to indulge in and people like, oh, like, how do you have this competence to whatever I'm like, I daydream all day about my future self and how awesome her life is, and all the things right. And then some of those things I have now. But I had to go through some pain to get them. And it's worth it to me, I said, I'm willing to feel whatever it takes to have my dream life. But if you're not willing to feel negative emotion, it's going to be very difficult to get much more than you have right now.

Kristi Wagner  42:19  
Yes. And I think that you just have to be aware in life that not every day, like I totally agree with the like 5050 Emotions thing. And actually, there's this Olympic runner that wrote a book that was great. It was called gravy, about her journey to the Olympics, she had this rule of like, in training, you have like, a rule of thirds is what she called it. So like a third of the time, things are like really good a third of the time, they're like, fine, and a third of the time, they're bad. And so as long as you're not teetering, like if it's really great all the time in training, you're probably not pushing, right? Yes, if it's all mediocre, and you're not having any highs or any lows, that's also like, are you fulfilled, you know, whatever. And if it's really crappy all the time, you need to look at what you're doing active. Yeah, you need some perspective. But I think like as a, you know, as a team and as, as like an individual athlete, we've talked a lot about that. And it's been helpful, because I think as you like ebb and flow through life, and like, my life is rowing right now, you have to be aware of when you're falling into a different category, or if the third's are becoming imbalanced, so that you can reset and be in equilibrium. Yeah. And that's to like, expect the bad days, but not have a whole week of bad days, realize that something's gotta give, and you need to maybe prioritize, quote, unquote, real life, like a little bit more. And so I think it's just being aware. Yeah. And

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  43:53  
I think that even the next level of being aware is then also like, not making the negative emotion days mean anything about the goal, right, not making the positive emotion days necessarily mean anything about the goal, right? And I watch that with my clients who are business owners, the ones that I have to do some deep coaching with in the beginning are the ones that are like riding that emotional roller coaster, or the entrepreneurial roller roller coaster, in our case, where they're like, cool, I just made $10,000 This month, like I'm having an awesome month, and they're like, equating that result to they're having the results create their feelings, instead of their belief in the inevitability of their goals, create their feelings, like that's actually what it is. And if you have strong belief in the goal, no matter what, then it really doesn't matter. When you're having a higher low. You're just like, oh, that's just part of it. You can get more neutral about it, and that's where you're going to have more success when you go Like, live in that neutral zone, you're like, Yeah, it's like when you see a really top top athlete have a win or like, make a sick play. And they just like dropped the ball in there like, next. They are not being like, I'm the best because I just You see that play. It's not about one play. Of course, I'm going to make great plays, I believe in myself. And then when they drop the ball, and they have some horrible thing, they're like, get back up. That's what we do. We fail, we eat failure for breakfast. On to the next right. And when you have that deep belief in the further further goal, then you just get to decide your emotional state. And the ups and downs. Yes, while you can feel the disappointment, the disappointment isn't that bad. And it doesn't last that long, because you're not making it mean? Well, obviously, I'm never going to hit my goal. It's so

Kristi Wagner  45:53  
funny. I was literally talking to one of my teammates today about this kind of and because another one of our teammates said something to me, like, Oh, you didn't even seem you know, whatever, happy or excited about this workout, or this race or whatever. And I'm like, first of all, I was I was happy I had a goal, I achieved it. Or I had a really good workout. Like, I was proud of myself that I was saying to Katie, my teammates today, like, what was I gonna do? It was just a workout. And it was hard. So I was tired. I was like, gonna, like Get Up and Scream louder.

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  46:25  
Be would have been weird, right? It's like, okay, cool. Like, this is how I celebrate onto the next ray. Like, I truly if we're talking about like, I don't know, who's your who's your role model athlete, like the person you think about in your head who's like, you're like, I want to be like her. Preferably a woman. Let's get a woman. I'm always like, my brain is like Michael Jordan, but like, I want to, we have so many men out there.

Kristi Wagner  46:48  
That as the example. I mean, I obviously think Serena Williams is just like Serena

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  46:53  
icon. I can't love it. Serena Williams. So do you think that if someone was like Serena, you didn't even celebrate that win? Like, doesn't even give it the time of day? It's like, Yeah, this is our next question. Yeah. Right. It's like, letting just that common that like maturity of letting everybody's thoughts and opinions about how we celebrate or are disappointed, be like,

Kristi Wagner  47:21  
yeah, nice. But I will say that. So like, last year, in 2022, I raced at the World Championships, it did not go as well as I wanted it to go. And, you know, when the last race of your season doesn't go the way you want it to go, you're really sitting in that for a long time. It's tough this year at the World Championships, like we finished on the podium, which is very exciting. But I and I feel like I was excited. But a lot of me was like, well, it could have been better, we were almost in second, we didn't have the best race and like, there are new goals ahead. Like we can't really sit in this, you know what you're saying? Like, it's just one goal along the way. And we need to like move through. And then I sort of had take myself back a step and be like, this was a big goal that I had for my not even a goal of anybody else's. This was a goal I had for myself, and I accomplished it. And I need to reflect on that. And like, let that soak into me. Otherwise, sort of what is the point of

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  48:29  
such a good point. And I know like an another way to phrase it is like when you believe so deeply in that end goal, then everything along the way, you can use all of those circumstances to your advantage. So when you when you can celebrate the hell out of it. And then when you lose, you can be like, it's not that big of a deal. Because you're like, This is all just a game and it's made up and the finish line is made up. I made up my goal. And I can do a dance party for signing on client and I can also be like, like I debt totally messed that up today. I'll do better next time. And you could just use it to your advantage right to celebrate. No,

Kristi Wagner  49:16  
totally, totally. I also, I also think all the time about this, like, whatever paragraph I read in a book once about basketball players, if they're missing a bunch of shots, like really successful players will think okay, well statistically, I'm going to start making them soon. Oh, I love it that if they're making if they're making all their shots, they're like, statistically, I'm gonna keep making my shots. You just have to frame your life or what you're doing or whatever, as no matter what it's coming up bases for me like and I do that with like wind in rowing. It's like a windy day. I'm like, Ooh, this is prime conditions for me, you know, and I just think Do you have to like, somehow cycle your brain to make things into maybe a good scenario for you, but just like a scenario where you're imagining a future that is goodly,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  50:11  
like you said, it's all rooted, I did all that it's not like a good thought or a bad thought. It's a positive thought or a negative thought, it's a useful thought I

Kristi Wagner  50:21  
could talk to you forever, but I feel like we

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  50:25  
will have to do another episode. But this is so fun. I just think it's so cool that you're pursuing something so big. Like, I always just think sometimes, I have so many goals. And I'm like, part of pursuing something big is that skill of constraint and saying no to so many other lives, like so many other versions of who we could be. And in another life, I'm like, Damn, it would have been so cool to be an Olympian, but I'm celebrating your life and being like, she's being an Olympian, for me. Yes. Go out there doing it for all of us. So cool.

Kristi Wagner  51:01  
Yeah, it's, thank you. I feel like it is a very cool and unique thing. But I think the other thing that's cool about it, and I've kind of realized over the past couple of years is like, there are people doing amazing things all around me. And it's just not the same, like visibility. And I think that one really cool thing about going to the Olympics was so many people like told me, they were proud of me. And I've tried to like tell my friend I am equally proud of my friends and family. You know, like, you're amazing and everything you said was amazing and cool. Are people stopping and telling you that there's no like me, I'm a life coach. But do you know just kidding, I mean, right? Like there's no like life coach day where we all celebrate all the life code and there should be because we should celebrate other people's achievements more and like realize that we're all being inspired by each other. I don't know it just really opened my eyes to like celebrating people not just like when they get married or they have a baby or whatever those things are big life things and we should be celebrate the men but we should also celebrate them for just being the like badass awesome people they are

Jessica McKinley Uyeno  52:17  
yes for celebrate them during the other three years, right? Yeah. Hey, man. I love it snaps all around. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you. Such a treat. I love talking to other women out there doing doing big things.

Kristi Wagner  52:34  
That's what I know. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. So fun. I feel very inspired. Hell yeah. So I hope that everyone enjoyed that conversation. I know that I did. I think that she is awesome. And it just was really fun to talk to somebody that also has you know, big goals and big dreams and isn't afraid to have big goals and big dreams like and as a woman I just the female power to dream big was amazing. So Jessica, and I talked a little bit about Serena Williams because I said that she was a person I looked up to so I'm gonna end the show this week with a quote of the week from Serena Williams. So she said, I am lucky that whatever fear I have inside me my desire to win is always stronger. So thanks for listening and I hope you have a great week. See you next time. I'd love to hear from you. So send us a topic suggestion or if you'd like to submit a question for our Ask Christy anything segment, head to our website, the other three years.com

Transcribed by https://otter.ai